past

I don’t remember since when, but I always wake up late… in fact, so late. I hate to wake up early, so when people saw me in the morning means either I’m catching up a plane or I haven’t sleep at all. My mom usually tried to wake me up early, almost everyday. And my dad, I just remember a few times he knocked on my door.

If you are like me, then you’ll know! When someone yell you up, again and again while your eyes still tight, you’ll be going on some tough and bad day, guarantied! Today, in the morning my mom called on me as usual and it was bad for me. Like I can feel her temper and somehow… a feeling like she’s sorry for what I am. Well you can’t understand what I mean completely that’s for sure, but it’s not a good thing.

Long ago, my mom tried to do an abortion on me, I know that and it’s not a big deal I say, or more likely I don’t know how I feel about it. Yet I think that maybe sometimes she felt sorry that she didn’t pull it off and get me over with. Even I sometimes do regret that she canceled the process. I don’t know why they didn’t want me, never find out the reason.

When mom told me about this abortion stuff, which I already know a while before as my lovely sister told me before hand, mom said she’s sorry… well deeply of course, no doubt and she mentioned that she was relieved that I was born normal with arms, legs and all because she did took the pills but later on she took many other good pills to match the killer pills. Momma so happy for I am not physical defected.

But you know what? Maybe I am a crippled. I never get anything done, nothing good worth telling that I achieve or finished. It’s because dear mom spoiled me way too much which in this case, my brothers and sister envy me for that. Ouch… great deal, like I wanted that. The same night my mom told the story, she added that because of her huge regret, I became her number one child.

So you can’t blame me if I say my mother did all she can to walk through among her children with me in the center, just to pay over the redemption. She did come clean by telling me the truth, but maybe I should wish that I never know. Well I don’t hate my mom for all these so never judge her and you have no right to blame or hate her!

“There are secrets worth telling, and else you should bring along to your grave”

pain

There was a time a friend shared her story about her life and her family. All bad impression of her family she plainly speak out but the part that got in to me was the part where she would sat alone on the balcony, in the middle of the night, crying. Though she'd never tell the reason why, but when you hear it, you'll simply know, some might simply understand.

When a grown up were brought down, down our knees, you find you hugging yourself rubbing your arms or lying alone shriveling like dry shrimp, it's the moments I believe we all had at least once! Do you remember the feeling? Do you remember the sensations in your chest and your tears are not shamelessly but beautifully streaming down?

That was the time when comfort was most likely impossible to find, when words will never talk you down and the tragic news is, when the pain and sadness got overwhelming, to kill yourself will be a smiling option. Moreover, the reason which led us to it could be anything. Death, betrayal, love, maybe even pride and etc. Then in the same time, a new born of hatred, grudge, wisdom or any form of other sentimental stuff will come.

Just say this I wrote is one example of scenario, one side of the drama in our world. There are a lot more of it just because we lack of certain important things. One thing I want to put down and that is “Trust”. Trust, faith, believe are the strong words and always easily draw your interest unless you tried your best to avoid it!

Trust and trustworthy, if only … if we can fill this world with it then how amazing, how easy everything will be? It is so important and so tasty I say when one can do and receive both. Though it has been said… Health is most valuable in life … but with this, I challenge you to think again. Think deep! What is the meaning for you are healthy and wealthy, while trust you have none and none trust you.

Yeah of course you can say healthy inside and healthy outside and that would piss me off! Anyway, in the name of trust you’ll be happy, you’ll be loved and most of all, you can also get hurt! ^^

‘It’s almost impossible to find someone you can trust, but even more impossible for you to find the guts.’