Alone

What do we all have in common? The answer is of course ... 'many things, in many ways!' And there are just a few things for an answer if I reverse the question. But hey ... do you know the most miserable thing or I should say, situation that happen to us? My answer to that is 'Loneliness'

Well if you think you're one lonely person, because you got no boy or girlfriend ... you are left by your husband or wife by death or divorce, then maybe you're just forgetting your family and friends. But note this, even if you got none of the things I mentioned above, you're not alone. And I'm not talking about god, which a priest will tell you that whenever you're depress’ and complains too much about being lonely.

I know a man for a long time but nothing like the 'I know him close and personal'. From him I realized something. Not many people are really like him, not many of us are lonely as he is one loneliest man I think I ever know.

Loneliness only happens when you "BELIEVE" that you got nothing in this world. When family doesn't matter to you, when your close and love one left you, it consumed your soul to the end of your life. But there is another one ... to claim that you are lonely, you must like this.....

if you are born with a disability to trust or believe in others, in this way it always means that you are always thinking the same way about others ... means they don't trust you and that all of their actions or kindness to you is just an act, all you do is purely for your own profits and you're the only centre of your life... then…

Ladies and gentlemen, congratulation for you are indeed one lonely person. The loneliest of ... not that much on earth.

Even falling in love won't help you! Because … if he or she accept you as their mate then that's the dooms day for them. Later on you're just going to keeps sniffing on, fear to regret of cheating or stealing your possessions or else.

Go ask the wise my friend, for the solution. Personally, I think you just live with that, it is not that you do realize that you are lonely, or maybe you don’t even care. And for the people who really care for you, I pity them.

See, you’re not alone. It only happens when you think you are, or when you don’t realize. Amen to that!

'The reason God created women is so men can produce more happy people than the lonely people'

Earnest

It can cost you millions or even billions of your good money (maybe even your wife) in the trial to find one you can trust ... but in the same time, you might find that one's true self is beyond measure and priceless to either you and itself!

I am back!

Manusia berkarya, tiada henti memukau dan memaksa kita menyaluti. Dimana ada saatnya gue melihat karya tulis yang memacu tatapan disetiap rangkaian kata, begitu baik dan nyata, hal-hal yang belum pernah terpikirkan dan hal-hal yang membuka otak … eh … pikiran, dan pernyataan serta pengakuan ironis dunia kita. Syair, bait dan pusisi yang sulit dipahamipun terasa sentimental walau membingungkan. Dimana gue selama ini, kalau orang-orang hebat seperti ini berkeliaran atau mungkin gue yang tidak menyadari. Bakat dari setiap insan tidak selalu terlihat namun pada saat mereka berbicara, pada saat mereka berbuat, disanalah nilai diri terlihat dan ternilai, baik dan buruk.

Dalam kesendirian, gue yakin seringkali kita mendapatkan suatu yang baru, lahir dari dalam benak, khayalan liar dimana kita menjadi seorang yang hebat, yang dikagumi dan menjadi pusat perhatian. Dan ada saatnya pikiran terjerat, berputar pada sesuatu yang kita butuhkan, yang kita inginkan. Sadarkah kita akan arti semua itu, sadarkah kita itu semua mungkin tiada artinya.

Era dunia global, dunia komunikasi berkembang sangat tidak masuk akal melihat cepatnya dan hebatnya tehnologi. Publikasi menjadi alat terkuat untuk mendapatkan keuntungan, selebriti hidup dalam sorotan publik yang gue ga habis pikir dimana sisa prifasi mereka dapat mempertahankan kewarasan mereka. Citra diri adalah segalanya, senyuman palsu dan tipu daya dalam ucapan, persaingan yang membuat apapun halal, apapun akan dilakukan walau tragedi harus terjadi.

Musuh dan teman ada dimanapun kita berada. Tindakan kita selalu bergema, selalu melahirkan rasa. Jika pernah merasakan kepedihan, saat hati bagaikan gravitasi yang sangat kuat, menarik seluruh dunia kita menjadi satuan yang sangat kecil, terpusat dalam detak gelora kebencian atau kesedihan, itulah kutukan terhebat yang dimantrakan musuh, dan juga merupakan kutukan terhebat terhadap musuh kita.

Mulutmu adalah harimaumu, fitnah lebih kejam daripada pembunuhan, maka terpujilah dan terberkatilah mereka yang bisu tuli. Kita manusia memanjatkan doa dan harapan, disetiap saat kita bersyukur, saat kita membutuhkan, hilang kendali dan harapan. Keyakinanmu bukanlah jalan hidupmu melainkan jalan hidupmu adalah keyakinanmu. Prinsip dan tekad bukanlah langkah-langkahmu melainkan langkahmulah yang menjadi prinsip dan tekadmu.

Ide dan filosofi kita tangkap dan renungkan, bukanlah milikmu melainkan milik sipenulis atau dia yang berucap. Yang bisa kita lakukan dari semua itu hanyalah meniru dan mennyamakan diri kita dalam keyakinan penuh. Inginnya kita menjadi bijak, baik hati dan terpuji, ingatlah itu karena kita tidaklah demikian.

Kalimat “jadilah dirimu sendiri” terasa janggal dan aneh buat gue karena apapun yang kita lakukan, itulah kita. Meskipun dalam tindakan meniru orang lain, model rambut dan pakaian, operasi wajah atau apapun bentuk lainnya kita menyangkal keutuhan diri kita adalah jati diri kita. Itulah kita, itulah kamu, itulah dia…

past

I don’t remember since when, but I always wake up late… in fact, so late. I hate to wake up early, so when people saw me in the morning means either I’m catching up a plane or I haven’t sleep at all. My mom usually tried to wake me up early, almost everyday. And my dad, I just remember a few times he knocked on my door.

If you are like me, then you’ll know! When someone yell you up, again and again while your eyes still tight, you’ll be going on some tough and bad day, guarantied! Today, in the morning my mom called on me as usual and it was bad for me. Like I can feel her temper and somehow… a feeling like she’s sorry for what I am. Well you can’t understand what I mean completely that’s for sure, but it’s not a good thing.

Long ago, my mom tried to do an abortion on me, I know that and it’s not a big deal I say, or more likely I don’t know how I feel about it. Yet I think that maybe sometimes she felt sorry that she didn’t pull it off and get me over with. Even I sometimes do regret that she canceled the process. I don’t know why they didn’t want me, never find out the reason.

When mom told me about this abortion stuff, which I already know a while before as my lovely sister told me before hand, mom said she’s sorry… well deeply of course, no doubt and she mentioned that she was relieved that I was born normal with arms, legs and all because she did took the pills but later on she took many other good pills to match the killer pills. Momma so happy for I am not physical defected.

But you know what? Maybe I am a crippled. I never get anything done, nothing good worth telling that I achieve or finished. It’s because dear mom spoiled me way too much which in this case, my brothers and sister envy me for that. Ouch… great deal, like I wanted that. The same night my mom told the story, she added that because of her huge regret, I became her number one child.

So you can’t blame me if I say my mother did all she can to walk through among her children with me in the center, just to pay over the redemption. She did come clean by telling me the truth, but maybe I should wish that I never know. Well I don’t hate my mom for all these so never judge her and you have no right to blame or hate her!

“There are secrets worth telling, and else you should bring along to your grave”

pain

There was a time a friend shared her story about her life and her family. All bad impression of her family she plainly speak out but the part that got in to me was the part where she would sat alone on the balcony, in the middle of the night, crying. Though she'd never tell the reason why, but when you hear it, you'll simply know, some might simply understand.

When a grown up were brought down, down our knees, you find you hugging yourself rubbing your arms or lying alone shriveling like dry shrimp, it's the moments I believe we all had at least once! Do you remember the feeling? Do you remember the sensations in your chest and your tears are not shamelessly but beautifully streaming down?

That was the time when comfort was most likely impossible to find, when words will never talk you down and the tragic news is, when the pain and sadness got overwhelming, to kill yourself will be a smiling option. Moreover, the reason which led us to it could be anything. Death, betrayal, love, maybe even pride and etc. Then in the same time, a new born of hatred, grudge, wisdom or any form of other sentimental stuff will come.

Just say this I wrote is one example of scenario, one side of the drama in our world. There are a lot more of it just because we lack of certain important things. One thing I want to put down and that is “Trust”. Trust, faith, believe are the strong words and always easily draw your interest unless you tried your best to avoid it!

Trust and trustworthy, if only … if we can fill this world with it then how amazing, how easy everything will be? It is so important and so tasty I say when one can do and receive both. Though it has been said… Health is most valuable in life … but with this, I challenge you to think again. Think deep! What is the meaning for you are healthy and wealthy, while trust you have none and none trust you.

Yeah of course you can say healthy inside and healthy outside and that would piss me off! Anyway, in the name of trust you’ll be happy, you’ll be loved and most of all, you can also get hurt! ^^

‘It’s almost impossible to find someone you can trust, but even more impossible for you to find the guts.’

Heir of Vlad

The dead leaves tickled the earth, swoop by the strong wind. A very cold and spooky night at the mass graveyard. Of all stones around, there were three particular tombs.

And suddenly, the three tombs trembled like an earthquake happening but also they stopped so suddenly. Three silhouette as dark as shadows jumped out magically followed by the eerie and cold laughter.

'How're you hangin' there cousin Zeky?' asked the vampire named Valentine. He is the handsomest among them but when he speak, he sounded ridiculous.

'I'm afraid that is my line cousin Valentine!' answered Zeky while he slapped off the dust of his sleeves.

But among them, the one who stood further way than the others was the scariest and meanest. 'Shut your fucking mouth you two!' Sutekno commanded, 'let us start this already!' he turned and faced the other two.

Sutekno is the overseas vampire, from Java he came all around. And not to mention that his childhood experience made him a homo.

'Now who'll go first?' he asked.

'I'll go, I'm dead thirsty!' Zeky came in, rubbing his yellow fangs. 'Here I go!'

He jumped high, with one powerful push he sped away leaving his fellow vampires.

About twenty minutes later, Zeky came back. His mouth covered in dark fresh blood and he smiled all the way. 'Seventeen, three virgins, four boys and a baby!' he said very proudly, 'north village over there, yummy!' he ended, pointed the direction he meant.

'Don't get too comfortable, it's my turn now!' said Sutekno. He jumped and moved faster then Zeky and to east he went. Took him twenty minutes forth and back, with delightful face he bragged.

'Twenty seven,' he said, 'all youngster, and got myself a very handsome... young boy!' he finished with eyes closed longingly. Zeky and Valentine looked at him in disgust.

'Oh... not again you maniac! Stay away from me!' Zeky said.

'Poor boy ... poor boy!' Valentine said, eyeing Sutekno's crotch. The zipper still undone. 'And now ... gentlemen, beware for my action will not be slightly taken!'

Valentine took his stand and he jumped, far and the fastest yet he moved, in a flash he'd gone. The other two were surprised with his move.

But only took him five minutes to come back again, standing drunkenly in front of the trembling Zeki and Sutekno. His appearance was undeniably fantastic. Like just having a blood bath, Valentine's face were covered in dark red, down to his shirt and all.

Having a hard time with open mouthed, in awe Zeky finally spoken. 'Just how many you get cousin Valentine? In that short of time you even beat uncle Vlad's record!'

When Valentine open his mouth whom about to speak, his missing teeth even more surprising. 'My fellow cousins ... do ... do you see,' he paused, speaking like a person in pain, 'do you see that pole over there?' he asked.

Zeky roofed his eyes, looking down the direction Valentine pointed. 'You mean that one with the light went out?'

'And what about it?' Sutekno said in anger, clearly having some unsatisfied feeling. 'Of course we see it, do you think we're blind, dumb ass?'

'Well...' Valentine took a deep breath. 'I didn't!' he dropped his head while saying it.

morons

You morons.... Lol...!!!

+ -

Negative … Positive …
There was one time, so early in the morning me and my friend had a simple chat about life. We talked about the unbelievable God, about us and until he fed me something, that gave me the idea to write it here.

He told me that if “we”, human being keep on filling our self, our brain with all sort of negative … say “information” like from the news, movies, all sort of sad or tragic stories, and even music I guess, then all that might change you in a way. That’s when some people became naïve, for example is how some said ‘life is a motherfucker’ (got this one from a movie) or some people even went mad and some tried to get away.

Our thoughts, our action will be infected. We became negative as your life will get gloomy. The energy emerge from yourself will be unfriendly, without realize you became one negative soul and if you don’t open your mind or to realize what’s happening, the deeper worst you’ll get and you’re screwed just like that. Negativity is something you must fight but you can’t win over it all the time.

The good news is it also works the other way. This friend of mine also told me that is why he started to always get in a way with funny stuff. Keep in touch with funny movies, funny stories, articles, and also share all that with everyone will make your day. You’ll smile and laugh more and easy, and people around you will feel it too. Some good stories, some touching stories that reached your heart might help along, just remember to share it.

There was a saying “One person can make a difference” and I believe so, so this is one simple way we all can do, just remember to start your day with a smile.

Boonga-Boonga

It all started there, deep in the forest of some remote place in the year of 1971. Two explorers ventured in, a Professor named Jonathan and his young apprentice Kyle. What brought them here is the mystery of the native people that been said by Jonathan’s best friend Marie. The native people called themselves, the Boonga-Boonga clan.
‘Watch your step Kyle!’ said the Professor as they went deeper and it’s been about two hours hiking. It was totally wild and natural surround and both of them were breathing heavily.
‘How are we going to find these people professor?’ Kyle asked with complaining tone. ‘How’s it possible for Professor Marie to go through all these!’
‘Don’t worry Kyle, she told me that “they” are the one to find us! Beside I took you with me here, was because you’re clever and I thought that you’d be man enough to follow me and to enter this unknown forest!’ and just as Jonathan said so, several men jumped out of nowhere and surrounded them. All of them pointed a long spear and all wearing the same threatening face.


For a moment, Jonathan and Kyle freaked out in deep freeze. Jonathan tried to make contact, but the words came out of one of the native was just like a brawl and with that, they can’t communicate. Later on, the natives tied them up and lead them up and up they went.
‘Where are they taking us Professor?’ Kyle asked in a whisper.
‘Back to their place no doubt, which means good! Marie told me she’d been teaching their leader some English.’ Jonathan whispered back. They couldn’t continue their conversation once they found out that they’ve been watched closely, in a very weird way.


Not long since then, they entered open ground. It was brighter and they saw some shelters but what caught their eyes were on the field, of four big cages. They put Jonathan and Kyle separately but they were close. Only two men left to keep an eye on them and they’re looking at them in the same weird way.
‘Now what Professor, we are prisoners now and no one’s coming to save us!’ said Kyle, and now he panicked like a kid.
‘I’m waiting for their leader Kyle and when he comes, I’ll do the talk, you keep quiet!’ answered Jonathan with strong expression.


About fifteen minutes latter, out of the biggest shelter there, a bunch of natives came out. A very big and fat guy led them, and he was big as half giant. A young looking boy, tall and skinny walked beside him and somehow, just like that you can tell that they’re father and son. Jonathan’s and Kyle’s expressions changed, nervous became fear. They were many of them and the situation wasn’t looking good at all.


The big fat leader came near to the professor, so near that Jonathan felt so fortunate there were bars between. The smell of the big guy was no surprise once Jonathan saw for the first time, the dark yellow teeth. So dirty that Jonathan will so fast cover his face if wasn’t because his hands were tied.


‘Boonga-Boonga … ooo … die!’ just like that, the leader spoken. His face never changed but his voice alone would’ve tamed a bear. His glance never goes away, pierces through Jonathan’s eyes.
‘Boonga-Boonga?’ in a clear questioning sound, Jonathan repeated.
‘Boonga-Boonga! said the leader again, only this time, he smiled.
‘What’s Boonga-Boonga?’ Jonathan politely asked.
‘&%@@*#$@&%!&()#$% *&$%@^#@, Boonga-Boonga ooo Die!’ the leader said in loud and anger. Kyle was trying to say something but he was too afraid to speak.
‘Ok… ok, Boonga-Boonga then! Yes… yes… Boonga-Boonga!’ answered Jonathan finally. What ever it is, it couldn’t be worst then death he thought.


The big guy smiled and then he laughed so happily. He gave a sign to his men and the cage opened. After that, the cruel and brutal part began. Poor Jonathan was raped by a double sized man in action, leaving out screams and howls. In half an hour Jonathan was barely conscious and his eyes were only a slit left. The leader left him alone in the end and looking very tired.


For the whole time, Kyle was in shock. His eyes was there but not sure if he could survive out of the scene. A thud on his cage startled him. The young man the son of the leader looked at him in great interest.
‘Boonga-Boonga or die!’ like his father, he offered the choice. It’s not Kyle’s instinct that told him that he must choose, but it’s his instinct and guts told him to be wise. For some reason, the young man was very patient that he waited for Kyle’s answer calmly. Then young Kyle stood up finally with no expressions but looking strong like warrior.


‘I would never… NEVER let you have me scum! I am a proud man, and I am a virgin!’ he shouted aloud that even Jonathan must’ve feel his courage. ‘Fuck you!’ Kyle cursed them without fear, along with his finger to complete it. ‘Die! DIE!’ he said. The natives were surprised, the lot of them but mostly the young man in front of him.


‘BOONGA-BOONGA OR DIE!’ wanted to match Kyle’s determination, he also shouted and also given him the last chance to choose.
‘DIE! DIEEEEEEE….’ Kyle shouted his loudest and he spat. ‘Come kill me, I’d rather die… die then to have you have me!’ he ended. All went quiet, an impossible quiet.

Kyle could hear himself and all of them breathing. Next thing happen was the young man, the son of the leader climbed on to the top of Kyle’s cage and he looked down on Kyle looking very sad. Kyle’s cage opened this time, and the young man on top of him made a high pitch howl to the crowd. He then jumped happily and wild and laughed. The natives bellow started to queue in line, a very long line indeed against Kyle’s cage.


Stood like cold stone, Kyle could feel the warmth on his pants, only with his open mouthed and wide eyed he felt very sorry. The young man on top yelled ‘BOONGA-BOONGA to DEATH!!!’

I don’t think death is the most frightening thing in life, what frighten me is life it self.

me, me, me

October, 1982 was when I first cried out my voice, a newborn of over three kilos weight. I remember my mom told me that I was born at past midnight and I was the only baby-boy out of eleven others baby-girls for the whole weekend as that night, the midwife lift me aloft and said something like ‘the King’s son’ and she was happy because somehow for this midwife, it would be a bad luck if there was no baby boy delivered for the entire weekend. But that is me, how about you? How much you know about your birthday? Were there some interesting story or event behind it or you simply don’t know.

But never mind because what I’m trying to say is that when our voice burst out for the first time, we labeled our self, we gave out a name that we all share, as it is only one and it is called “EGO”. But after that we were given a name, and for a Chinese breed like me, we were given two kinds of names. A Chinese name and a regular Indonesian name. It was my uncle who named me Budi Dharma, which I officially changed it just like my brothers and sister.

My name is Vincent Wan now, sounds better and westernized I’d say. And I’m the youngest one, had two bros and a sister, also the youngest grandchild among many cousins so I’m the last of last. I grew up as normal boy (by means that my parents raised me good and the only mistake would be the part of my mom spoiled me a bit too much), had friends and some playgrounds, and then came the school things and all, but I never finish high school. I moved to our capital, Jakarta after (it’s when I re-go to high school) and I live there for about eight years. I ran away from home a few times, went away somewhere but always got stuck or been persuaded to come home.

I would say the reason about why I ran away but that would be too long a story and I’m afraid it’d be boring. But let’s just say that I secretly complained and I’m not completely satisfied with my family. I guess we all have that eh! Some of you might be even unsatisfied at all with your family, and some of you might want to kill your entire family, hah, just joking!

But I’m not married so I haven’t got the simplest clue about raising a family. Nevertheless I could still imagined it, of what kind of responsibility and how I’d become hunchback for the weight pressing down. I don’t want to get married, I don’t to raise a family of my own and you can say that I’m just afraid or whatever, but I had my own reason. I will always try my best to keep my mind open, which is not so easy to do, and I guess that’s it for now. These few lines were just as a brief introduction about me.

‘Every man dies … but not every man really lives’, got this one from the movie “Braveheart” and I thought it’s very nice! Enjoy your life people!